How to Have Hard Conversations Without Damaging Relationships

I’ve never been afraid of hard conversations at work. With students, bosses, or colleagues, I say what needs to be said. But with my friends? That’s different. That’s where I hesitate.

The stakes feel higher. And as much as I think I know someone, when conversations get hard, people often become unreceptive.

The times I’ve tried to address an issue, I’ve approached it carefully—using “I” statements, softening my tone—but somehow, things still fell apart. Defensiveness kicked in. Feelings were hurt. The conversation didn’t go the way I intended.

So, I started avoiding these talks. Or rather, I waited for my friend to bring it up instead. Sometimes they did. Sometimes they didn’t.

But avoiding the conversation doesn’t make the issue go away. It just creates distance. Slowly, the relationship shifts.

The irony is that in avoiding the conversation to preserve the relationship, I let it weaken.

 Recently, I was reminded that the way we approach difficult conversations can make all the difference. I was listening to Jay Shetty’s meditation series on the Calm app when he referenced a research-informed strategy for delivering feedback in student-teacher relationships—one I’ve written about before. According to Stanford researchers, a simple 19-word phrase dramatically improves performance: "I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations, and I know you can reach them."

Interestingly, it’s not the feedback itself that creates change, but the sense of trust and belonging this phrase fosters. When people feel valued and supported, they are more receptive to feedback and more willing to engage in change.

I’ve seen this work firsthand with my students. When I preface feedback with this phrase, they listen more openly and take action. They don’t just hear the criticism—they hear belief in their ability to improve.

After listening to Jay Shetty’s podcast, it made me wonder: what if I applied the same approach to my personal relationships?

Difficult conversations are often met with resistance before they even begin. A simple phrase like, “We need to talk,” can trigger defensiveness before a single word of substance is spoken. But what if, instead, I started with something that reaffirms the relationship?

For example, let’s say a friend often interrupts or dominates conversations. I could say, “You always talk over me, and it’s frustrating.” That’s direct, and it immediately puts them on the defensive.

Instead, I could frame it differently, stating: “I really value our conversations, and I love hearing your thoughts. But sometimes, I don’t get a chance to share mine, and I’d love for our talks to feel more balanced.”

This approach sets a different tone—one that is honest but also keeps the door open rather than slamming it shut.

So, I’ve been testing this approach—bringing the same mindset I use with students into my personal conversations. Leading with trust. Reaffirming the relationship before jumping into the issue. And what I’m finding is that the conversations I once dreaded often turn out much better than expected.

As a challenge for this week, I invite you to do the same. Think about a difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding. Before diving in, consider how you can frame it in a way that reaffirms the relationship and puts the other person at ease. You may find that what once felt uncomfortable suddenly feels possible.

Best wishes,
Lauren

P.S. If navigating tough conversations is something you want to get better at, our Conflict Management Workshops offer practical strategies to handle difficult discussions with confidence and clarity. Whether in the workplace or personal relationships, the right approach makes all the difference.