How to “Win” an Argument

I have never been very good at getting people to change their mind.

I use logic, data, and a strong voice to get my point across. This is what convinces me to change my mind. It usually fails when I try it on others.

Then, I learned a new approach. It came from the book Think Again by Adam Grant. I’ve since tried using this approach with colleagues, friends, my partner, and my students. It works.

It is also fairly simple, in theory.

It mostly consists of me not trying to win the conversation. Instead, I try to get into harmony with my “opponent” by getting curious. I ask a lot of genuine questions to understand their perspective better.

I also stay open to their perspective, being willing to change mine. It’s likely that I won’t change someone’s mind if I’m not open to changing mine.

Then, I try to find common ground. I honestly try to find areas or points we both agree upon. Often our perspectives aren’t that different. Finding common ground helps us come together.

Lastly, I acknowledge when my “opponent” has valid points. This not only models confident humility, it encourages my conversation partner to mirror this behaviour too.

Ultimately, I try to abandon the idea that I have to convince someone I’m right. Instead, I just try to open both our minds to an alternative perspective and leave it to them to decide what to do.

A perfect example of this strategy in action was a conversation I recently had with a student. I wanted her to rethink the way she approached assessments. She works very hard but typically does not finish her tasks within the assigned deadline.

I’ve tried different approaches to helping her, including breaking the task down into manageable steps and allowing more time. I’ve used every best practice in teaching I’ve read. I tried using logic and data to get my points across. Nothing worked.

Eventually, I stopped talking and doing. I just listened, staying open to her perspective. I asked questions, curious to learn more. I also found common ground, explaining that we both had the same goal – for her to get a good grade in my class.

After listening to her, I learned how to better help her succeed. I admitted that what I was doing wasn’t working well, and I needed to adjust my instruction. She admitted she needed to readjust her expectations of what she could accomplish. We vowed to work together on bridging our differences.

I’m not sure if our plan will work. I’m committed. I hope she is too.

I’m sure there will be bumps along the way, and we will both need to learn more. But the path forward seems positive.

All it took was using the formula for rethinking – listening, staying open minded, being curious and asking genuine questions, finding common ground, and modeling confident humility. And perhaps more importantly, staying open to learning myself while abandoning the desire to win the argument.

In the end the person who will change someone’s mind is not me or you. It is usually the person themselves. Having them talk it out with an interested person, is more likely to get them to rethink their ideas.

As a challenge this week, when you find yourself in the midst of a debate or discussion with opposing views, try this strategy. Instead of trying to convince someone of your perspective, try listening. Stay curious. Ask questions. Find common ground. Model confident humility. By doing so, you may change your opponent’s perspective. And, more essentially, you may change yours too.