As a high school teacher, I seem to have at least one conversation each year with an irate parent. While there are calls and conversations throughout the year, most people are reasonable.

However, there always seems to be at least one person who seems to be on the attack. They attempt to convince, control, or coerce me to give them what they want – which, is usually higher grades for their child. These attacks can range from dominating the conversation to belittling, threatening, and attacking my professionalism.

I am never sure how to handle these situations. Most people who come in ready for a fight are quickly de-escalated once I’ve explained the situation. Often what they’ve been told is a version of the truth, and they come to realize this after a brief conversation. However, in the rare times when people don’t back down or listen to reason, I am often unsure what to do. I’ve often wished for a handbook that guides my steps.

I don’t believe that shying away from conflict or giving in to whatever the person wants—which is what most people suggest I do—truly solves the issue. I knew there must be a better way, and I now believe I’ve found one after reading the book Crucial Conversations.

According to the authors of Crucial Conversations, conversations often go awry because the person believes the content, even if said gently, has malicious intent. They don’t believe the person they are conversing with cares about their goal and/or doesn’t trust their motives.

To de-escalate a situation, it must be conveyed that you do care about their interests, not just your own. This isn’t a technique; it must be true. In my situation, I too wanted my student to be successful; we had the same mutual purpose. I just needed to convey that.

Instead of getting swept up in the character attacks and ending the conversation, I could have listened more to what the true issue was and addressed the character attacks later. When he finished, I could have apologized, if appropriate. Sometimes you have to give up being right or winning to get what you really want. You have to sacrifice a bit of your ego. However, since I didn’t believe his accusations were accurate or true, this wouldn’t have been appropriate at the time.

What would have been appropriate was using a contrast statement, a do/don’t statement that addresses others’ concerns without disrespect but while clarifying our true purpose. For example, I could have said:

“I understand you want your daughter to perform well in my class, and the last thing I want to communicate is that I don’t think your child can be successful. I believe she can be, and I do want her to be successful. Some of the other students in the class have been struggling with reaching the advanced level of work that they are now expected to do. Several of them have come in to work with me, and their marks have quickly risen once they understood the expectations more clearly. If your daughter is willing to meet and work with me, I’m sure that she can get to where she wants to be.”

By addressing the concerns with a contrasting do/don’t statement, it allows me to ensure that the facts are given, there is common ground, and we have the same goal. While this may not have ended the situation immediately, it would have likely ended if I repeated another contrast statement, reconfirming our mutual purpose. He and I were on the same side; he just didn’t know it.

The next time I am in this situation, I now have a two-step guide. I will:

1. Listen to the other person without interruption to understand their concerns, remaining calm even if the person is verbally attacking me. That can be addressed later.

2. Apologize if I made a misstep or provide a contrast statement that states what I don’t want and what I do want. I’ll communicate the facts while also communicating we have the same goal.

As a challenge this week, I encourage you to try the same Mutual Purpose strategy if you encounter an unhappy client, employee or life partner. Listen to what they say, apologize if you made an error in judgement, or provide a contrast statement that illustrates that you have the same goal.

While you may not always agree or have a mutual purpose (and there are strategies for this too) you often will. This simply needs to be conveyed. Listen, take the ego out of the equation, and make it known you’re on the same team.

Remember, effective conflict resolution can transform relationships and create a more positive, productive environment. Let’s embrace the challenge and see the difference it makes.

Best wishes, Lauren

P.S. If you’re struggling with conflict in your workplace managing, reach out. We have conflict management workshops and coaching available.