Have you ever had to have a difficult conversation with someone and didn’t know how to approach the situation?

We’ve all likely experienced it – whether at work or at home. Addressing unfair workload distribution with a colleague, discussing finances with a spouse, talking to a friend about their repeated lateness, addressing a performance issue with an employee, or confronting a family member about their unhealthy lifestyle. These are all scenarios where we’ve had to address difficult topics, and they often don’t go well. People become emotional, withdraw, or say things they regret. It’s fight or flight, an instinct that’s inherently built into us.

Some people choose to avoid these conversations—changing the subject when an issue becomes risky, leaving voicemails instead of meeting in person, or giving in instead of standing up for themselves. However, avoiding these conversations isn’t the answer. When not dealt with, conflict can manifest in other ways: through gossip, undermining, backstabbing, and passive aggression.

Unhealthy conflict also eats away at our well-being, so it must be addressed. But it needs to be managed constructively.

The challenge is that we often don’t know how to do this. We don’t have the tools to manage these conversations effectively. Sometimes we wing it and do so poorly because we lack healthy models or strategies. Other times, even with preparation, the conversations still don’t go well because practice doesn’t always make perfect—especially when we’re unsure how to handle them.

Yet, according to the authors of the book Crucial Conversations, strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power: the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, and controversial topics. And it starts with you.

Focus on what you want. Ask yourself: What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?

If you want the relationship to continue after the difficult conversation (which most people do), you need to make the conversation safe.

Think about a time when you took criticism well. It’s likely because you believed the other person had your best interests in mind. Additionally, you respected their opinion. You felt safe receiving the feedback because you trusted the motives and ability of the other person. You didn’t feel the need to defend yourself—even if you didn’t like what was being said.

Now, you need to create the same environment.

This doesn’t mean it will be easy. People may not feel safe at first—they might try to insult you or attack you with their arguments. This kind of aggressive behavior doesn’t bring out the diplomat in most of us. But you can’t let yourself be pulled into the fight.

Managing your own emotions during these conversations is key. Taking a moment to breath deeply or pausing before responding can help you stay calm and focussed, even if the other person becomes heated.

If you want to have a healthy conversation about a difficult topic, set aside the sarcasm, eye rolls, and insults—for the moment. These can be addressed later.

Instead, you could say: “Can we switch gears for a minute and talk about X. I think it would be helpful if we both shared what’s going well and what challenges we’re facing. I’m not trying to upset you or make you feel defensive. What I’d really love is to come up with a solution that works for both of us and strengthens our relationship.”

This approach gets at the heart of the matter. It addresses the issue, shows you care, and aims to find a mutually beneficial solution.

Difficult conversations often go awry because they believe the content - even if said gently - suggests you have malicious intent. So, it’s important to ensure that others trust your motives and believe you care about them.

According to William Ury, author and negotiation expert: “Dealing with conflicts can be some of the hardest work we do. It takes patience and persistence. Hard, however, doesn’t mean impossible. The work can be hard and possible.”

It also doesn’t mean there will always be a neat resolution. More often, it means gradual improvements in relationships that, over time, can make a big difference.

However, these four steps provide a starting point when dealing with difficult conversations:

1.      Ask yourself: What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?

2.      Make the conversation safe.

3.      Don’t get pulled into a fight. Take a breath and address sarcasm and insults later.

4.      Address the issue, articulate that you care about the other person, and work towards a mutually agreeable solution.

As you navigate the complexities of difficult conversations, remember that the key lies in your approach. By focusing on what you want for yourself, others, and the relationship, you set a foundation for a constructive dialogue. Ensuring that the conversation feels safe for both parties and resisting the urge to engage in conflict allows for a more productive outcome.

As a challenge for the week or next conversation, I encourage you to take these four steps and apply them. Whether at work or at home, clear communication and mutual respect can transform your relationships and lead to lasting change.

Best wishes,

Lauren

P.S. If you need support in handling difficult conversations in your workplace or personal life, consider reaching out for coaching or attending one of our conflict management workshops. We’re here to help you navigate these challenges with confidence.