Picture this: Two colleagues, Sarah and Tom, find themselves at odds during meetings. They often interrupt each other, speak over one another, and resort to gossiping behind each other's backs. The tension is palpable, and neither feels understood.

As a manager, you can’t afford to lose either one of them. The conflict not only impacts their productivity but also affects the morale of the entire team. So, what do you do to navigate this challenging situation?

Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator and author of the book Never Split the Difference, suggests that we can navigate these conversations if we understand the other side – if we genuinely comprehend what the other person is saying. This means exploring their perspective: What drives them? How do they see their actions? What justifications do they perceive?

In Sarah and Tom's case, before launching into their own opinions or criticisms, Voss advises that they first summarize each other’s positions. Articulating one another's perspectives allows them to feel heard and acknowledged. As soon as one of them receives an affirming response, like “that’s right,” it opens the door for a more constructive conversation. They may not reach a complete agreement, but this approach does allow for genuine dialogue to unfold.

This technique is powerful because it addresses a core issue in many conflicts: the feeling of not being heard. By acknowledging the other person’s beliefs and motivations, the situation often de-escalates, as we create a space for understanding and collaboration.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, here is a structured approach you can use to facilitate effective communication and resolution:

1. Encourage Perspective Summarization: Prompt both parties (one of which might be you) to summarize the other person’s perspective. This practice not only demonstrates that they are listening but also allows them to feel acknowledged, fostering an environment of active listening.

2. Seek Confirmation: After each person summarizes the other’s viewpoint, encourage them to ask for confirmation. Look for affirming responses like “that’s right” to signal alignment and readiness for further discussion.

3. Address the Issue Calmly: Once both people feel validated, they can share their perspectives without it feeling like an attack. Focusing on collaboration rather than confrontation, creates a more productive dialogue.

4. Model Emotional Control: If tensions rise, take a deep breath before responding. Whether you’re a participant or a manager facilitating the discussion, your calm demeanor sets the tone for the conversation and fosters a healthier dialogue.

5. Promote Mutual Understanding: Reinforce that, even if a complete agreement isn’t reached, the goal should be to understand each other better. This approach not only reduces conflict but also strengthens a relationship over time.

By implementing these steps, you’ll help reduce tension and create an environment where open dialogue flourishes. If it doesn’t solve the problem immediately, it will at least bring people in conflict closer together and we’re all better off closer together.

So, as a challenge this week, take this opportunity to practice this technique. Whether in your personal life, during a team meeting, or with friends, encourage those in conflict to summarize each other's viewpoints and get positive affirmation that the summary is correct before they express their own. You might be amazed at how much more constructive and collaborative conversations and relationships can become when everyone feels heard.

By fostering a culture of understanding, you’ll strengthen not just individual relationships, but potentially the team as a whole.

Best wishes,
Lauren

P.S. If you’d like support with conflict resolution, consider reaching out for coaching or attending one of our workshops. We're here to help build stronger relationships within organizations.